Alone Tonight

You know, I find it interesting how I do things...as some of you may know, I like to analyze myself...and tonight, I take the time to remember one part of me that I find sad and interesting. Tonight, I am single, my roommate is not home, and I decided not to call her to see where she is...and I am guilty of being afraid of being alone. I always want something to do and someone to be with. That way, I don't have to worry about the problems in my head coming to front view. I can make myself forget my problems and focus on the other person or the task I'm doing. Ha! I've already cleaned the kitchen since I got home and realized the apartment was empty. I really want to face my fear of loneliness...but I also really don't. I've been doing this thing for so long, I really don't know how much will come out if I leave my mind to think about all the things I never wanted to think about.

I'm really being such a whiney baby...you'd think I could just get over myself and read a book or paint or do something constructive or go to bed. It is plenty late enough. I will I suppose.

So in the last few weeks, I've done a lot and experienced more. First of all, Colin and I broke up...which was a pretty big deal. I realize the whole thing was my fault...I realize that i hurt him and in return, I was hurt. It wasn't fun but I've learned a lot from the experience. I've realized that I rely much too heavily upon others opinions and desires and I am struggling to combat that. I want to be sure of myself and of my own opinions. I also went to Beach Reach, my first mission trip. It was pretty amazing. Since the break up was pretty fresh on my mind, I honestly was pretty mad at God at ruining all my plans for my life. Its very strange and sad that learning lessons and living for God can hurt so much...I thought we were here to be happy. I've always seen life as being something that should be lived happily because there isn't enough time to be sad...and I still think that, but why is it that God causes things to happen that make us not happy? I suppose its really all in our own decision whether to be happy or not. I'm trying. I've tried something new recently which is helping me to decide to be happy more often. I guess I still have a long way to go. Anyway, on a more positive note, I'm apparently a visionary painter! I'm currently figuring out what to paint for my class and its becoming much more organized and absolute than I've been the rest of the semester. I saw Benny and Joon the other day. New fav for sure. Oh, and of course, my birthday was saturday...i am now the big 2-0. No more teenage years for me. Its actually kinda sad...I liked being a kid. I feel like i have to think about adult things now. Anyway, so back to Benny and Joon, if you haven't ever seen it, theres a scene where Sam(Played by Johnny Depp) sticks forks in two breadsticks and dances with them...this is a reference to an old Charlie Chaplain skit. His whole character is all about movies, especially older silent films. Anyway, see below.



and the charlie chaplain original



Johnny Depp even got the crossing the forks right! it was so cool to see this and know what it came from...thanks Josh Smith!!