Eucharisteo

We are moving! To a different state! This is a bittersweet moment. I have lived my whole life in Texas and my whole life has been exceedingly blessed. My family and friends are a huge part of my life and going where we cannot easily interact face to face with them is honestly really scary. God is sovereign though and I know that He has a bigger plan than us that is sweet and for our good and His glory.

What a joy then to pursue these doors being opened to us by the creator of the universe!

I have been reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and it has been wrecking my world. (Note: I have been slowly making my way through it over the past year almost)

I am so ungrateful.

The book is all about thankfulness and joy, two things which have been a constant struggle for me my entire life. From persuading myself I was truly happy in my early college years to seeking out joy in dating relationships to fill the void...I have sought out how to feel truly joyous since I can remember. Grasping at the wind.

So, there's this greek word that Ann Voskamp mentions early in her book which encompasses both thanksgiving and joy: eucharisteo

It is a kind of thanking which produces joy and is joyous. This joy is not happiness. It involves trusting a sovereign Creator who has it all figured out and who most certainly knows what he is doing far better than I do. This is SO hard. How do I trust someone who I have never seen? How do I trust someone who I have been told listens to our prayers but often seems so quiet? How do I trust God who did not do the logical thing in allowing me to live? I should be dead. I should be rotting in hell for all the evil I have done against the Lord of the universe. How do I trust a God who allows evil to still reign in the lives of those whom I love so dearly? It is hard. You can ask my husband, I am not the best at trusting. It is also a trait I have struggled with since I was very young. Lots of times being let down by people who I just knew should have been there, done it differently, or just should have come clean and said something.

So all that to say this book (along with many scripture references to parallel the content) is helping me to pull out all manner of skeletons from deep, deep within the basement of my dirty soul and it...is...beautiful.

Since dropping out of DTS, I have felt like my relationship with God has been distant. I have thought for a while now that I left for all the wrong reasons. It was hard mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually. I was convicted as I have never been before. I hated it. I hated myself and I hated that. I think I was really selfish in leaving. God has most definitely worked a mighty work within me since then and I do not now think it was out of God's plan for me to leave. In fact, it could not have been out of His plan because it happened. But my leaving gave me the opportunity to push down all that God had so carefully brought up to the surface of my conscience and I locked it back up again. This book has unlocked that door once again. I know that probably sounds like a metaphor gone way too far but stay with me...at DTS, I was utterly convicted so quickly (within a span of just 3 months) and I felt as though I had no idea how to even begin to cleanse myself of my unrighteousness. I felt like all the scripture memory in the world could not fix what was wrong with me. But since I have taken kind of a slow road with this book (along with regular scripture reading, accountability groups, and learning how to live with a husband), I think it has made it easier to diagnose my core problems and slowly re-mold them to fit better into Christ's example.

So Ann Voskamp does this thing where she lists things she is thankful for. She started with 1,000 things. This may seem like something that is done only during the month of November but I have been slowly learning how to do just this for about the past 5 months. I have not gotten very far in my list (just about 170 something things written down) but it has seriously altered the way I think about life. I am slowly reprogramming my psyche to give thanks rather than worry, give thanks rather than have pity parties, give thanks rather than procrastinate, and give thanks rather than freak out. The moments where thanksgiving wins out are still few and far between...but the thought is there whether the action is or not, which is something.

So you should definitely read this book. But also, I say all that to say:

I am thankful that we are moving. Even though it is scary and different and may be very lonely. I know that God is with us and He is for us. This is in His plan and so it is good.